Capital /Coruscant News Network (CNN) – Emperor Palapatine proclaimed a Week of Celebration today following the news the devious rebel alliance was crushed by loyal forces of the Empire in the Ryloth System. An Imperial Navy news release stated, “The upstart rebellion, those miscreants who talked of law and order but were actually forces of anarchy, met their end in the Ryloth System when Imperial Navy and Army forces led by Grand Moff Tarkin and Lord Vader discovered their secret base and utterly destroyed it.” Grand Moff Tarkin himself was quoted as saying, “The more we tightened our grip, the fewer systems slipped through our fingers.”
Sources tell CNN that forces under General Veers originally tracked the rebels to Yavin, but the rebels escaped at the last minute. “The pursuit necessitated subjugating several systems, like Kashyyyk, which was in total rebellion. The indigenous Wookies, who refused to culturally assimilate into the Galactic Order, were dealt with severely, but fairly,” according to a staff officer of who was not authorized to talk on the record. (Several million Wookies were unavailable for comment.)
Meantime, confusion continues with regards to the Bothawui System. Rumors persist that Bothawui suffered a “serious seismic event” that resulted in the catastrophic destruction of the entire planet. The Imperial Palace itself denies any knowledge of what actually happened, although the social media network Gliiter continues to carry a ‘gleet attributed to Emperor Palapatine himself in which he says, “BOOM! FULLY OPERATIONAL!” Amateur hyperspace trackers also report that the unfortunate event was preceded by the arrival of Imperial Battlestation #1, more commonly called Death Star, which may have been present for the destruction of the planet. (Imperial Navy HQ was queried about these reports but CNN was advised to submit a Freedom of Information Act request, which was subsequently denied.)
In celebrity news, Lord Vader was sighted with a strapping young man dressed in all black and carrying his own “light saber.” Gossip is that the young gent, known as Luke to to his oldest friends, hails from Tatooine. The always secretive Lord Vader also has not commented on several HoloTube vids that surfaced recently where Luke is overheard addressing Lord Vader as “father.”
In other news from Tatooine, Jabba the Hutt announced a new exhibition called “Smugglers in Carbonite.” He also invites all to see the latest sexy accessory in his entourage, the former Princess Leia of Alderaan.
Feature image courtesy businessinsider.com.au